The following excerpt came from a weathered old tome I found on the shelf of a tiny bookshop in Edinburgh. Both the bookshop and the street where it resided have long since vanished, and all attempts to find either have proven fruitless. Thankfully, I was so puzzled by the following passage that I made note of it. You may question, as I had, if the following is fiction or a prank, but the odd…qualities of the original manuscript convinced me of its truths. The book itself held declarations of another realm; a place called the Grimwytch. A land where a monstrous people seek to protect themselves from humans on Halloween night. Or Narroweve as they call it.
On protection from humans on Narroweve
It is a singularly strange fact that human beings, or Drearspawn as most of us more accurately call them, are absolutely terrified of Narroweve. On this night, which they call Halloween, they wear costumes that make a mockery of us denizens of the Grimwytch. Ironically, the purpose of this is a wretched attempt to fend off the very same spirits we too seek to be free of on this night.
But alas, human beings tend to wander like lost sheep on Narroweve and from time to time they slip through the veil into the Grimwytch. And from there cause all manner of havoc, disturb the peace with their perpetual screams and gibbers, and even go as far as to attack our citizens. So here, for your consideration, are five ways to repel humans.
Distilled Essence of Fear
Pure Essence of Fear is both difficult and expensive to acquire. Fortunately there are merchants, particularly in the market on the Vashhaal wharf, who can procure such things. So if your funds are plentiful, Essence of Fear will make a most effective remedy to repel humans. Simply spray it into their ears, allow it to spread and creep, and their fevered minds will take care of the rest.
Lumpathumps
While Lumpathumps are difficult to find on account of being invisible, you should be able to lure them using fried rat tails or copper pennies. Lumpathumps make perfect deterrents and are especially effective in warding off young humans. This is due to their propensity for hiding beneath beds, as well as the fearsome noises they make when threatened by a din of snoring.
Spiders
Oddly, spiders are a very common fear for Drearspawn. Why these friendly and articulate pets bother human beings is certainly beyond this writer’s comprehension. And whilst I’d never condone frightening a spider with a human, needs must as the drivel drives.
Cheesedung fly
As there are spiders, so there are flies. And the almost indescribable stench of a Cheesedung fly, especially one gathered at dusk, is enough to deter even the angriest of Hoardspikes let alone a Drearspawn. Needless to say coating oneself in a scent so vile should be a last measure as the wearer can expect to carry this most noxious scent for the rest of their life. Or lives.
Hackthins
While it should be noted this author has little regard for Drearspawn, I do not mean them harm. I only wish they’d leave us in peace and that our citizens would stop opening the portals between our worlds. But if a human is armed and intent on causing mischief, then let the Hackthins at them. And whatever’s left will almost certainly make a most pleasant purse or scarf.
So now you have five means to repel humans. Although removal and disposal of them is another problem entirely. See chapter five for more on this troublesome topic.
Addendum
After noting this intriguing passage, I discovered a so-called novel by a writer called Eldritch Black titled ‘The Book of Kindly Deaths’. This rather strange author has portrayed the Grimwytch as fiction in his book of very curious stories, but it’s quite clear to me that the monsters he chose to write about are terrifyingly real.
You can win a copy of The Book of Kindly Deaths on Goodreads from now until November 9th 2015, and read a lost tale from the book here.
